FIVE LESSONS DISNEY TAUGHT US (obviously wasn’t five but ten)
(wear Disney Hat) (obviously forgot my hat)
Disney is a wonderful place, and we’ve learned wonderful lessons by been subjected (read: forced) to it since we were children. For years, we’ve been given the fluffy lessons from Disney, you know, love wins, good conquers evil, blah blah blah. Yet, there are some ADULT lessons to be learned from Disney.
LESSON #1 | Don’t hesitate to shoot your shot
I’m talking specifically about Eric No Last Name Prince of Somewhere European. I’ve got issues with Eric. Look at how he’s looking at Ariel. Look. TAKE YOUR EYEBALLS AND LOOK. He is obviously smitten by this strange girl who can’t talk and is basically clueless to social cues. But even if she wasn’t, Eric does a good job of sending mixed signals. Short Story: Eric doesn’t decide to SHOOT HIS SHOT with Ariel until it’s absolutely too f*cking late. Eric has three chances to get Ariel. Guess what. Three chances are too much. YOUR SINGLE DUDE. THE PERFECT WOMAN FOR YOU IS RIGHT THERE AND YOU’RE JUST STARING!
Ariel almost DIES because of this.
OPEN YOUR DAMN MOUTH IF YOU WANT SOMETHING. IT’S RIGHT THERE ERIC, IT’S RIGHT THERE! YOU HAD TO RAM A SHIP INTO A GIGANTIC ANAMORPHIC HALF OCTOPUS HALF HUMAN WITCH BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T SHOOT YOUR SHOT.
LESSON #2 | Bros before hoes? Ha. Yeah right.
Bagheera, a Black Panther, [black power fist] decides to take it upon himself to take care of the children. Because that’s what Black Panthers do.[insert of actual black panthers taking care of kids] The kids come first. In this instance, Bagheera is taking care of an orphan boy who has a man eating Tiger after him. Look, this isn’t an easy job. His “sidekick” is the bear equivalent of the offspring of Stephen Baldwin and Homer Simpson on uppers and I’m quite sure he’s drunk 99% of the film and Bagheera’s ward Mowgli isn’t known for making smart decisions. Probably not his fault because everyone just suddenly remembered he’s NOT A FUCKING WOLF. They honestly let wolves raise him when there were humans within ear shot.
It all ends well, I guess, because after they accidentally defeat Shere Khan with the help of divine intervention and Mowgli and Baloo decide to stay together because [make I DON’T KNOW FACE AND SOUND]
It’s cool. He’s gonna stay in the jungle. Be a “bear” [large quotation marks]
What does he see that makes him drop his bros who just basically battled the GOD OF THE JUNGLE for him?
A damn girl. Like that, he’s gone. Bros before hoes? [LAUGHS]
LESSON #3 | If you’re in your feelings sometimes you gotta freeze everybody else the fuck out for a little bit. Self care.
[insert 5 second clip of LET IT GO]
LESSON #4 | Everyone knows a Gaston.
You do. He’s the probably a Bro, or a Hotep, wears shirts that are too small (or African Print shirts that aren’t actually from Africa.) and wears his symbol of alpha he-man machmismo in the form of a a backwards cap or an Ank or you know…credentials to the GOP. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
He talks at length about a woman’s role in the household, why men can have sexual agency and women can’t, decisions over a uterus they don’t have, and you can find these memes on their FB [insert memes]
Everyone knows a Gaston. And just like the townspeople in WHATEVER town in France he’s from, most of you won’t say anything until someone dies.
LESSON # 5 | You can be the hardest working woman in your town and get to flaunt your hot sexy stuff while doing it…unless you are black. Then you’re a frog.
[Insert pictures of white Disney Princesses being beautiful and then one of Tiana]
Lesson #6 | Racism exist, even if you’re a cartoon
There was a dude, Judge Doom [insert picture] who wanted to kill all of the other cartoons JUST because they were cartoons. He was literally the Grand Wizard of the KKK except for he is a Judge and…wait. There is no “except”. Plenty of Judge Dooms who hold both gavels and white hoods. GET ME. Judge Doom PLANNED A CARTOON GENOCIDE. Boy is this dark.
Lesson #7 | You might be a side chick forever
Whew Tinkerbell. I wish she’d just…realized. Understood. Took a step back and just NOTICED what her position in Peter Pan’s life was. He was a hoe. Peter Pan was a hoe. Wendy, Moyra, Mermaid #1, Mermaid #2, Mermaid #3, 4, 5, 6, 6, and 7, Tiger Lilly, Jane…I mean…the boy got AROUND. And Tinkerbell, 1000% in love with him, stuck by his side through it all. His Ride or Die. (rolls eyes). I mean I get it, Tinkerbell is the size of Peter’s pe…finger. Not much he coulda done to sow his oats with her, if you get what I’m saying. However, damn son, you know the girl is in love with you, why not break it down to her. You’re four inches tall, Tink. This…this isn’t going to work. Why not hook her up with another little person from Skull Island. The pirates hide their “booty” there. Had ot be some booty for Tink. But no, nothing. Just kept her by his side while he knocked down EVERYTHING (man or woman, I don’t put it pass the little harlot) in Nevernever land.
Poor Tink. Leave, girl. Just…
Lesson #8 | It takes two to tango.
The Great Pince of The Forest basically knocked Bambi’s mom up and came around on every fifth Sunday to peek in the house and then leave. I know he had an entire forest to protect but DAMN, GPOTF (pronounced GIPOFT), take the boy hunting, talk to him about the birds and the bees, plays…catch with him (I don’t know what deers do)
But it takes Bambi’s mom literally DYING for him to be like “Damn…I got a son, breh.”
If you think about it, when GPOTF has to suddenly readopt his child after the death of his moth, that must have been a head trip for him. The very fact that his job detailed that he protect everyone in the forest and the one person he couldn’t procted was the mother of his child must have been ROUGH. Now, not only does he have to raise the little guy but he has to turn him into his HEIR? Like thye have to have real conversations now. About hunting and grown man father son shit. Or “You know if you’d been around Mom would still be here.“ That kind of shit. That has to be awkward.
LESSON # 9 | A lot of things are fluid–sexuality, gender roles, PREGNANCY
Ever seen Treasure Island? Yeah, like 7 other people have. But those who HAVE seen it know that sexuality, gender roles and who has a uterus is as fluid as water when it comes to the universe. Meet the badass Captain Amelia of the R.L.S. Legacy. She’s attractive (for a cat lady…a literal cat lady) she’s smart, authoritative, strict, and a force of nature. Meet Amelia’s husband, Dr. Doppler…who…is also the mother…of her children.
Look I want to get deeper into this but MPREG has never been the welcomed of topics (although I think its weird but also oddly f*cking fantastic) so I won’t get into how that works (because you read enough fics YOU LEARN)
Just know that Amelia wore the pants, was the breadwinner and knocked her husband up three times.
This is how I usually plan my videos out and I always go off script and then have to go back like STAY FOCUSED JADE.